Rant: Are you one of those people who blocks the subway doors? Then consider yourself my nemesis.

14 Dec

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Hey there! did you just score the coveted spot by the doors? Mazel. It’s a great spot, isn’t it? You don’t have to touch the pole, you have a little more personal space—it’s pretty much the Business Class of the MTA.Well, guess what: That space is yours for precisely one stop. One. If for some reason no one is trying to get on or off at the next station, then congrats to you, you’ve earned a one-stop reprieve. But so help me, if there is a single person trying to board or disembark and you decide to invoke squatters’ rights, claiming that space for all eternity just because you got there first, forcing everybody to maneuver around you, then you, my friend, are a terrible person.

The arrogance of it! Just think: While your fellow straphangers are awkwardly removing their backpacks and contorting their bodies to fit into inhumanly small spaces, entering into awkward butt-to-butt and calf-to-calf unions with strangers, you stand with that smug look on your face, lording over a spot you erroneously think you own. I’m here to tell you that you don’t, and you need to move the hell in. Get to the center of that car and bond with your brothers and sisters in awfulness: the manspreaders, the full-body pole leaners and the people who think their shopping bag deserves a seat more than actual humans do (and who roll their eyes when anyone asks them to move it).

I don’t care that you really, really like it by the doors. Life is tough, kid, and we have enough to be angry about these days without you making yourself a human traffic cone.

Don’t block the doors; it’s as simple as that. And thank you for riding the New York City subway. Jerk.

  

Rant: Why 2016 was an awful, no-good, horrible year (and how New Yorkers will fight back)

13 Dec

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Swastikas in Adam Yauch Park. David Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen and Sharon Jones. The most anxiety-inducing, Xanax-requiring election cycle in recent history. Orlando. With all due respect, 2016, don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

All years have their ups and downs, sometimes simultaneously. Injustice is not, unfortunately, unique to this year. And to be fair, there was a lot about the past 12 months that was wonderful. It was the year a little show called Hamilton, which features a stellar cast of many colors and backgrounds, scored a record-breaking number of Tony noms. It was the year New York adopted a law requiring all single-occupancy restrooms to be gender-free, and our mayor vowed publicly that New York would remain a bastion of progressive ideals committed to protecting its citizens regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religion or race. So yes, there was light. But man, the dark—rife with Facebook defriendings, tense Thanksgiving meals and, for many of us, a steady clip of crying, raging, and eating and drinking our feelings—has felt particularly so. Simply put, we are fucking exhausted. Luckily, we’re also scrappy, and we don’t crumble easily.

New York is committed to making sure our city (and country) stays the amazing place it is its birthright to be. (Check out our activism feature if you’re looking for ways to get involved.) So a word to the wise, 2017: We are ready for you to be great. We are ready for you to be fair, peaceful and downright kick-ass. We know that you can be. Just please understand that if you’re not, you’ll be hearing from us. (And we New Yorkers, as a people, are not known for our indoor voices.)

This article originally appeared in Time Out New York.

An Open Letter to Steve on the Dating App Hinge, Who Told Me to Smile More

1 Nov

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Dear Steve:

First, I want to thank you for your support and encouragement. You don’t know me at all — like, at all! — and yet, you took a moment out of your busy day to try to help me. Your profile suggests that you are a psychiatrist in private practice, so your days are no doubt lousy with women who actually pay you for such deep insight. I don’t know what I did to deserve your pro bono services, but again, thank you.

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Anyway, you’re right. I don’t smile much in my pictures. I was actually born with a rare genetic disorder that makes it impossible for me to smile. JK! That was sarcasm. Oh god, I should probably also try to be a little less sarcastic, huh? I bet my sarcasm falls into that same bucket of boner killers where my inability to smile — or even smize — currently resides. (I should probably also stop saying “boner killers.” It’s not very ladylike. Point taken, Steve.)

I’ll admit, I don’t usually enjoy unsolicited advice, but there was something about yours that was different. Maybe it’s how advice-y it was. Or, maybe it was the unsolicited-y-ness of it. I think mostly it’s that I dig where you’re coming from, Steve: You didn’t say it outright, but I know what you’re telling me is that I’ll probably never find a man if I don’t smile more.

If I don’t look more welcoming and happy, how will a guy feel secure enough to approach me? How will he feel safe and supported? I probably look a little aggressive in those photos, right? I’ve heard that before, Steve. My eyebrows are kind of naturally arched? So I always look a little bit angry? Which must be terrifying? (I’ve been told that phrasing statements as questions can do a lot to take the edge off, so as not to unintentionally traumatize you. I hope it’s working?)

 I don’t want you to feel like you’re not unique and special (Steve, you are!), but other men have told me to smile. Once, I was in a store, and, I don’t know, I guess I was focused on shopping or something crazy like that, because a guy who worked there walked right up to me and said, “You’re going to have to smile sometime.” And you know what? He was right — at least ever since they passed that law about women needing to look happy all the time. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not just smiling that’s a problem for me. Men also sometimes tell me to relax or calm down, and I usually don’t like that either, but now I realize that they’re trying to help me. Just like you are, Steve. And again, all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. Sometimes I think I don’t say thank you enough, to men in particular, so I’m trying.
It’s weird, actually, when I stop and think about life before I met you. (It’s so hard for me to even imagine, Steve.) I’m the editor in chief of a magazine and website; I have a bachelor of arts, a bachelor of science and a master of fine arts. I’ve interviewed some of the most fascinating people on the planet, including St. Vincent, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, and Sarah Jessica Parker. (Do they smile enough? Wait, sorry, this is about you and me, Steve. Jeepers, sometimes it’s hard to stay focused!) I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like I’ve accomplished a surprising amount without knowing you. And now I’m wondering how I did that.
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OK, OK, you’re right: The one glaring omission in my picture of success is a relationship. (God, Steve, you can read me like a book.) It’s true: You and I met on a dating app, so I’m clearly single. (I can only imagine that you’re on Hinge accidentally, as you seem to smile all the time.) And, right again, Steve, my history with men has had its ups and downs: Bad boyfriends I stuck with for too long, good ones I didn’t appreciate enough. None of my exes have cited my inability to smile as a reason for our breaking up, but now I’m wondering if they just didn’t possess your courage. In fact, I wonder if my not always looking happy and pleasant and good is not only what drove them away but also what made it impossible for them to tell me that’s what was driving them away. Oh man, meta, huh?

Wow, Steve, just getting this all off my chest makes me feel so much better. I can feel myself getting healthier by the second. Hang on, it actually makes me want tosmile. Was that your secret plan this whole time? It was, wasn’t it! I’m wagging my finger at you right now in a joking, not-too-aggressively-sexual, not-at-all-threatening way, Steve.

Anyway, you’re a really good listener. Trust me when I say that my I am smiling sobig right now that my face is positively in agony. Thanks for all the support, and good luck on Hinge. Not that you need it!!!

Carla

This article originally appeared on xoJane.com.

An Open Letter to Steve on the Dating App Hinge, Who Told Me to Smile More

I’ll admit, I don’t usually enjoy unsolicited advice, but there was something about yours that was different.

Dear Steve:

First, I want to thank you for your support and encouragement. You don’t know me at all — like, at all! — and yet, you took a moment out of your busy day to try to help me. Your profile suggests that you are a psychiatrist in private practice, so your days are no doubt lousy with women who actually pay you for such deep insight. I don’t know what I did to deserve your pro bono services, but again, thank you.

Anyway, you’re right. I don’t smile much in my pictures. I was actually born with a rare genetic disorder that makes it impossible for me to smile. JK! That was sarcasm. Oh god, I should probably also try to be a little less sarcastic, huh? I bet my sarcasm falls into that same bucket of boner killers where my inability to smile — or even smize — currently resides. (I should probably also stop saying “boner killers.” It’s not very ladylike. Point taken, Steve.)

I’ll admit, I don’t usually enjoy unsolicited advice, but there was something about yours that was different. Maybe it’s how advice-y it was. Or, maybe it was the unsolicited-y-ness of it. I think mostly it’s that I dig where you’re coming from, Steve: You didn’t say it outright, but I know what you’re telling me is that I’ll probably never find a man if I don’t smile more.

If I don’t look more welcoming and happy, how will a guy feel secure enough to approach me? How will he feel safe and supported? I probably look a little aggressive in those photos, right? I’ve heard that before, Steve. My eyebrows are kind of naturally arched? So I always look a little bit angry? Which must be terrifying? (I’ve been told that phrasing statements as questions can do a lot to take the edge off, so as not to unintentionally traumatize you. I hope it’s working?)

I don’t want you to feel like you’re not unique and special (Steve, you are!), but other men have told me to smile. Once, I was in a store, and, I don’t know, I guess I was focused on shopping or something crazy like that, because a guy who worked there walked right up to me and said, “You’re going to have to smile sometime.” And you know what? He was right — at least ever since they passed that law about women needing to look happy all the time. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not just smiling that’s a problem for me. Men also sometimes tell me to relax or calm down, and I usually don’t like that either, but now I realize that they’re trying to help me. Just like you are, Steve. And again, all I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. Sometimes I think I don’t say thank you enough, to men in particular, so I’m trying.

ADVERTISING

It’s weird, actually, when I stop and think about life before I met you. (It’s so hard for me to even imagine, Steve.) I’m the editor in chief of a magazine and website; I have a bachelor of arts, a bachelor of science and a master of fine arts. I’ve interviewed some of the most fascinating people on the planet, including St. Vincent, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, and Sarah Jessica Parker. (Do they smile enough? Wait, sorry, this is about you and me, Steve. Jeepers, sometimes it’s hard to stay focused!) I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like I’ve accomplished a surprising amount without knowing you. And now I’m wondering how I did that.

It’s weird, actually, when I stop and think about life before I met you. (It’s so hard for me to even imagine, Steve.) I’m the editor in chief of a magazine and website; I have a bachelor of arts, a bachelor of science and a master of fine arts. I’ve interviewed some of the most fascinating people on the planet, including St. Vincent, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, and Sarah Jessica Parker. (Do they smile enough? Wait, sorry, this is about you and me, Steve. Jeepers, sometimes it’s hard to stay focused!) I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like I’ve accomplished a surprising amount without knowing you. And now I’m wondering how I did that.

I interviewed SJP and squeeeeeee.

4 Oct

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credit: Danielle Levitt

Here she opens up about Donald Trump, here we talk about lots of stuff, including her new show, Divorce, and there, in that photo, I try not to faint because I am standing in the presence of greatness.

Does New York make you an asshole?

21 Aug

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Absofrigginlutely not. Read my case against the stereotype in Time Out New York!

What the hell is ethical nonmonogamy and why is it all over my Tinder?

11 Jul

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Credit: Shutterstock

I went looking for the answer on Time Out New York! See what I found here!

Catch me every month on NBC Today in New York!

21 Mar

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I’m late to post this but wanted to let you know that the last Sunday of every month, I now have the pleasure of sitting down with the delightful team over at NBC4 for the local New York show Weekend Today in New York, where I share Time Out New York’s picks for the coming month. (That up there is the lovely Gus Rosendale! Who I coincidentally went to high school with!)

So set your alarm—I’ll see you bright and early on Sunday, March 27, telling you all about the best stuff to do in the city for April. You can check out last month’s segment here. (And if you have a time machine, go do all this stuff, because it’s great.)

And if you can’t get up early, I’ll post the link from the web so you don’t miss a thing.