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Rant: (Don’t) hug it out! Please!

22 Jan

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Photo: Shutterstock

First things first: I don’t hate hugs. They’re not my favorite form of physical contact, but a hug is nicer than, say, a punch in the face. Particularly when under the influence of whiskey and surrounded by tall male friends who have torsos ripe for wrapping my arms around, I love the hell out of hugs. My problem with the now-ubiquitous form of affection is simply that it’s not very New York. Because once upon a time, we were a city of kissers.

A typical NYC greeting used to be one quick peck on the cheek. At my New York middle school, girls would walk each other to class then kiss each other goodbye, parroting their elegant mothers, as they parted ways for 42 traumatic minutes. It was cosmopolitan, grown-up and most of all—for a group that spent much of its day fighting for inches of concrete and subway pole—pleasantly devoid of too much bodily contact.

The Brits have their two kisses; Spaniards do too. The mom of a friend I grew up with was Belgian, and we would kiss a dizzying three times. You know who hugs? Midwesterners. And now, it seems, New Yorkers. We hug all the time! It’s just so…quaint.

New York, we are not quaint. If you want to add a quick hug right after a kiss, I won’t complain, but don’t skip the kiss. That’d make us no better than someone from Ohio! And hey, if you’re from Ohio and just moved here, welcome! We’re so happy to have you. But like Montell Jordan said, this is how we do it—with this being “kissing” and it being “greeting each other in the best damn city in the world.”

So what do you say? Let’s put down arms and get back to civilized, ain’t-got-no-time-for-hugs kissing. Pucker up, New York.

This article originally appeared in Time Out New York. 

Rant: Are you one of those people who blocks the subway doors? Then consider yourself my nemesis.

14 Dec

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Hey there! did you just score the coveted spot by the doors? Mazel. It’s a great spot, isn’t it? You don’t have to touch the pole, you have a little more personal space—it’s pretty much the Business Class of the MTA.Well, guess what: That space is yours for precisely one stop. One. If for some reason no one is trying to get on or off at the next station, then congrats to you, you’ve earned a one-stop reprieve. But so help me, if there is a single person trying to board or disembark and you decide to invoke squatters’ rights, claiming that space for all eternity just because you got there first, forcing everybody to maneuver around you, then you, my friend, are a terrible person.

The arrogance of it! Just think: While your fellow straphangers are awkwardly removing their backpacks and contorting their bodies to fit into inhumanly small spaces, entering into awkward butt-to-butt and calf-to-calf unions with strangers, you stand with that smug look on your face, lording over a spot you erroneously think you own. I’m here to tell you that you don’t, and you need to move the hell in. Get to the center of that car and bond with your brothers and sisters in awfulness: the manspreaders, the full-body pole leaners and the people who think their shopping bag deserves a seat more than actual humans do (and who roll their eyes when anyone asks them to move it).

I don’t care that you really, really like it by the doors. Life is tough, kid, and we have enough to be angry about these days without you making yourself a human traffic cone.

Don’t block the doors; it’s as simple as that. And thank you for riding the New York City subway. Jerk.

  

Rant: Why 2016 was an awful, no-good, horrible year (and how New Yorkers will fight back)

13 Dec

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Swastikas in Adam Yauch Park. David Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen and Sharon Jones. The most anxiety-inducing, Xanax-requiring election cycle in recent history. Orlando. With all due respect, 2016, don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

All years have their ups and downs, sometimes simultaneously. Injustice is not, unfortunately, unique to this year. And to be fair, there was a lot about the past 12 months that was wonderful. It was the year a little show called Hamilton, which features a stellar cast of many colors and backgrounds, scored a record-breaking number of Tony noms. It was the year New York adopted a law requiring all single-occupancy restrooms to be gender-free, and our mayor vowed publicly that New York would remain a bastion of progressive ideals committed to protecting its citizens regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religion or race. So yes, there was light. But man, the dark—rife with Facebook defriendings, tense Thanksgiving meals and, for many of us, a steady clip of crying, raging, and eating and drinking our feelings—has felt particularly so. Simply put, we are fucking exhausted. Luckily, we’re also scrappy, and we don’t crumble easily.

New York is committed to making sure our city (and country) stays the amazing place it is its birthright to be. (Check out our activism feature if you’re looking for ways to get involved.) So a word to the wise, 2017: We are ready for you to be great. We are ready for you to be fair, peaceful and downright kick-ass. We know that you can be. Just please understand that if you’re not, you’ll be hearing from us. (And we New Yorkers, as a people, are not known for our indoor voices.)

This article originally appeared in Time Out New York.

I interviewed SJP and squeeeeeee.

4 Oct

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credit: Danielle Levitt

Here she opens up about Donald Trump, here we talk about lots of stuff, including her new show, Divorce, and there, in that photo, I try not to faint because I am standing in the presence of greatness.

Does New York make you an asshole?

21 Aug

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Absofrigginlutely not. Read my case against the stereotype in Time Out New York!

What the hell is ethical nonmonogamy and why is it all over my Tinder?

11 Jul

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Credit: Shutterstock

I went looking for the answer on Time Out New York! See what I found here!

Catch me every month on NBC Today in New York!

21 Mar

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I’m late to post this but wanted to let you know that the last Sunday of every month, I now have the pleasure of sitting down with the delightful team over at NBC4 for the local New York show Weekend Today in New York, where I share Time Out New York’s picks for the coming month. (That up there is the lovely Gus Rosendale! Who I coincidentally went to high school with!)

So set your alarm—I’ll see you bright and early on Sunday, March 27, telling you all about the best stuff to do in the city for April. You can check out last month’s segment here. (And if you have a time machine, go do all this stuff, because it’s great.)

And if you can’t get up early, I’ll post the link from the web so you don’t miss a thing.