Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Not Over It

Melissa. MELISSA. You have just experienced the equivalent of an aural unicorn. Teresa Giudice does not apologize unless under extreme duress, and she just offered up an olive branch fully of her own volition. I’m not saying her past bad behavior should make you more lenient with her (see what I did?), but you know what? I don’t think I would like it if you critiqued my parenting skills either! The closest I have to kids are Isabel Marant dresses I like a lot, so in order to fully empathize I’m envisioning Melissa telling me that she thinks my dresses are ugly and that I should get new dresses, which makes me very angry with Melissa. So Team Teresa forever. Melissa tells us in her confessional that she thinks Teresa’s apology was kind of inadequate but that she’s going to let it go, which we know means she will not let it go and we will definitely be hearing about this again.

Because all Siggy is allowed to do this episode is eat dinner, we next see her at Il Mulino with her husband Michael Campanella celebrating their anniversary. (I feel I am legally obligated to say both of his names because Siggy always does.) It’s the same old thing: He wants her working less so they can see each other more. Siggy is not ready to just “sit back and meet [her] friends for lunch every day.” Related question: Does that mean there is a position open for someone to sit back and meet Siggy’s friends for lunch every day as their job? Because consider this my official application.

Siggy wants to work more, holding overnight retreats to inspire women. This sounds horrible. You know what sounds even more horrible? Trying out the retreat idea on friends and family, which is what Siggy plans to do. You know, “friends” and family. Store this in the back of your brain in the same place you’re keeping Melissa’s vow to let it go: We’ll soon be in a cabin with all the women getting “inspired,” which I predict will include lots of talk about cake, lots of talk about pigtails, lots of references to “Soggy Flicker,” and lots of Melissa definitely not letting it go and living to regret it.

It’s tasting night at Gorga’s Homemade Pasta & Pizza, and Melissa has made the mistake of inviting everyone. But look, sheath dresses were not meant to languish in closets, and these gals have a lot of sheath dresses, so out they come. And thank god for that, because if the women hadn’t shown up, we may have never heard Teresa and Joe’s dad talk about the fact that Margaret is “blond on the top.” “Blond all over!” she quips back. Oh, these crazy kids talking about people’s vaginas over pasta. Does the fun ever stop?

The whole gang assembles, including Danielle Staub, who I legitimately forgot was on this show. Honestly, if we’re going by screen time, Margaret’s mother, Marge Sr., is more deserving of her own tagline in the opening credits. I imagine it would be something along the lines of, “My daughter has pigtails, but I get a lot of tail.” Is tail unisex? And is it a butt? Marge has a lot of sex with men is what I’m saying. She’s a national treasure. She deserves a better tagline. I’ll work on it.

First order of business: trash-talk Dolores (your fault for being the last one there, D!) about her unconventional home situation. Her ex-husband just moved back in, even though the two of them have respective significant others, which seems like a good thing to gossip about. You know, two grown-ups living in a way that they enjoy and that works for them and hurts precisely no one. The good news is, the women quickly move on from critiquing Dolores’ living arrangement to critiquing Dolores’ supposed bad-mouthing of Teresa, and discussing whether Danielle is lying. Melissa says, “Danielle is the most misunderstood human alive,” to which I say, “PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” And to which Siggy says, “I am so much more misunderstood than Danielle in this group.” And there it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: when Siggy turns everything back to herself and (I bet you all my Isabel Marant dresses) the cake.

The room is divided into two tables: one with Dolores and Siggy telling their tale of woe to Melissa and Joe, the other with Danielle and Margaret (whom D has taken to calling Elly May Clampett, which is pretty funny), who hear all of it because the restaurant is the size of a New York City studio and also because this is reality TV and they are meant to clash over bowls of delicious-looking tagliatelle cooked up by Giacinto Gorga himself.

But guess what, I was mistaken: The object of Siggy’s ire is not in fact the cake, it’s the seaside memorial that Margaret planned for Teresa and neglected to invite Siggy and Dolores to. That is what Siggy is (suddenly) not over, even though she and Margaret made up over omelets just last week. In fact, she is so not over it, she goes after Margaret’s line of clothing (for being made in China? Or for being ugly? Honestly, I’m losing the thread here), and now it’s just a below-the-belt brawl. Margaret trashes Dolores’ implants and Siggy’s hair extensions, and Danielle Staub for some reason starts with Dolores about her boyfriend, which is (a) none of Danielle’s business, (b) a stupid thing to attack somebody about, and (c) not smart because Dolores is legit the most undercover badass on the show. “Pasta makes people happy,” Melissa pleads. “What is happening here?”

This week was exhausting — in a good old-school RHONJ way, with nary a mention of cake. (Okay, there was one mention, but I’ll allow it.) Things get X-rated next week, as we hear Siggy say she’s feeling sexual and see Margaret sans pigtails, which in my mind is like seeing her naked. Strap in, you guys!

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